he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
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Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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