He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
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If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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