I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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