Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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