she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.