you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
