So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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