I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
