I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
