dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Randomize
