Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
