I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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