How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
