so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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