and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
