I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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