My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
