Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
