I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
