3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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