Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
