I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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