I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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