Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
