Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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