Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
