how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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