im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
