I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
