In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
