im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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