listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
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Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
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I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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