I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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