New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
bring money and cleavage
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
