Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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