You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sober January is a disaster.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
