Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
