The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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