my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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