I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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