And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
organizing the empties. That sober.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
