just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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