Jerry, you need to find god
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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