I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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