3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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