and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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