i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
