whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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