so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
