When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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