You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
just tell him i said nine months
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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