would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
