rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
