when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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