So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
