Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
