i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Randomize
