Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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