Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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