Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
