There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
