the condom got lost in my hair
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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What a dumb baby whore.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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