If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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