My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
