Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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